Earlier today a colleague of mine, the awe-inspiring Erica House (she’s got a fitness blog, if you’d like to see) made one of her rare errors. You see, she meant to post about her “magical egg white oatmeal,” but instead made a post about how to make an inedible bowl of glop. Mistakes happen, I understand.
While she fixes her post so that we can learn about this magical oatmeal we’ve all been hearing about, I figured I’d help out and post how to make my Super Oatmeal.
You’ll need the following:
- 3/4 cup of water
- 3/4 cup of oats
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- Butter (lots)
- Coconut milk (lots)
- An egg
- An apple (red delicious or granny smith if you’re feeling sassy)
- Whey protein so you can get swole
- Cacao nibs or something less weird, like nuts
Those should probably be in some particular order. What am I, Julia Child?
Throw the water and a healthy pinch of salt into a pot. Drizzle a ton of coconut milk in (optional and awesome). Don’t turn the heat on yet. Fire comes later.
Next, thinly slice a cored apple:
That badass sitting next to the decimated apple is called a mandolin. It got one of my thumb tips once. There was so much blood.
Throw the apple slices in the cold water, and turn the stove top on high heat. As that comes to a boil, you’ve got some prep work to do.
Grab yourself a surprisingly big bowl, and cover the bottom with raisins. If you hate raisins, any other dried fruit will do. They’re going to get smothered in steaming oats in a bit, so expect them to be more plump and delicious than usual.
Throw in a shit ton of butter, honey, and vanilla extract.
Your water should be at a rolling boil by now. Dump in those oats and stir. Lower the heat to medium-high. Keep it boiling.
Throwing them in while the water boils will prevent them from becoming gluey. You’re welcome.
Wait for the water to absorb, stirring occasionally. If you like runny oats, only wait for a few minutes. If you like thick oats, wait until the bubbles get all tiny like they’re emerging through mud. When it hits the right consistency, then shit gets real.
Drop that egg in there, yolk and all, and mix it in. Oatmeal + scrambled eggs + baked apple = omg.
Stir occasionally for the next minute, then dump it over your raisins and butter. Stir to get the oil and honey mixed in, then add a scoop of protein powder (I use unflavored, which makes this hella creamy) and plenty of cinnamon. Throw some nuts or cacao nibs in, and you’re in flavor country.
I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my life. 1000 calories of health-promoting goodness in a bowl. When I’m done with it, I often feel as if I’ve tripped off to the astral plane. Meditation in a bowl, my friends.
Anyway, I guess you could use less butter, and do without the protein powder. I suppose you don’t need the coconut milk, and that just a dab of honey or molasses would do the trick. Blueberries are an excellent, low-calorie alternative to the raisins when they’re in season.
You could do all that, but breakfast is… powerful. If you do it right, you won’t be hungry for most of the day, you’ll be in a better mood, and you can actually lose weight from front-loading your daily calories.
Try it, modify it, let me know what you think.